Beef & Sage

Got the Valentine’s Day blues? No boy/girl friend? NAMBLA membership expire? Want to bury your face into a super-bucket of Kentucky Fried Foodstuffs? Well I have a spectacular offer for you! Vintage ‘93 is competing in this year’s Dirtiest Comedy Competition at the Scoot Inn this Friday. In addition to our fast food opus, there will be some other funny short films and stand-up comedians performing so put down the 20-sided die and come drink heavily. Plus, Will has already offered to get the first round of Cosmotini Bopples!
-Kirk

The wait is nearly over.  Prepare yourselves, because as soon as the good people at Industrial Light and Magic finish up with the effects shots for our new video, Bulletstorm 4, IT’S ON.  Beefandsage.com was forced to upgrade its web hosting service just so the video wouldn’t make the internet crash.  In anticipation of this blockbuster premiere, we recommend you go buy yourself a 70 inch widescreen HD monitor, state of the art surround sound speakers, and as many adult diapers as you can afford.  We’re serious.  Last week at a test screening, John Woo got so excited he sprayed poop all over Steven Segal AND Dolph Lundgren.

And check out the Official Beef & Sage Store, where you can get your own original Bulletstorm 4 movie poster just in time for Valentime’s Day.

-kirk and will

Check out this inaccurate but hilarious version of the original Star Wars saga, as retold by someone who has never seen any of the original films. More awesome animation, comics, films and scrumptious quiche recipes of Joe’s can be found at http://www.fishrockit.com

I regret to inform you that Will has not yet returned from his geode exploration in Midland, TX. We’ve had very little correspondence since he ventured west but it seems like things are going well for him. I received a package yesterday with no return address and inside it was $30,000 in small bills and an authentic Apache dreamcatcher. I can only assume it was from him and that he’s struck it big out there.

So in the absence of will.i.am, we’ve got another video by a friend of ours, Travis Henning. Travis was just recently named by Jambalaya Quarterly as one of the top filmmakers to watch of 2009. His film, THE NIGHT THE COOKIE CRUMBLED played in the Austin Film Festival this year and it’s very funny. Very similar to Pixar’s early stuff.

Also, if you have some free time, hop over to this website. I HATE YOU DAD is in competition to win some prize money so vote 5 stars! Thank you.

Q: What did the airline pilot say to the stewardess while taking a bong rip and preparing to touch down in Milwaukee?
A: I’m Land’n High!

That joke never gets old to me. And neither do the sweet sounds of one of one of my all-time favorite bands, Landon High from San Antonio, Texas. The music is timeless and the members of the band are like a dream team, or rather, a CREAM-dream-team of all my favorite rockers/human beings in the world.

Although he’s become one of Hollywood’s major players, Kent Zambrana’s lyrics and melodies of yesteryear reveal a much younger and naive-to-love sense of innocence. The repertoire of songs helmed by music virtuoso and porcupine connoisseur, Danny Gibbons have an edgier bite, but guarantee to always go down smooth. The keyboard stylings of the band’s bombshell, Christine Horvat are enough to give the late Bob Moog a boner, and the beats masterfully crafted by drummer Taylor Thompson are tough as nails, yet manage to retain a surprising level of crispiness.

Though their fan-base was slightly smaller than that of a “U2″ or “Nirvana,” Landon High contributed no less to defining a generation. That’s why it’s so important that you attend the Landon High Reunion Show at the Warhol in San Antonio on Dec. 29th. Here are the details of this twice-in-a-lifetime event.

I know that I, as well as all of my San Antonio friends will be attending the show. But, I really urge any of our friends from Austin and the surrounding cities/states to come too. Last year’s reunion was an emotional, sloppy-drunken extravaganza, and it was just acoustic! This year, the boys are plugging in and taking out all the stops.

It’s Christmas break, the world is ours, let’s have a road-trip. I will gladly drive and buy the beer.

And check out their myspace page if you want to jam out.

*PARENTAL ADVISORY: some songs may include references to taints and choads*

-will

By now, you may have seen the post about no new Beef & Sage vidja this week. We have decided to take a short holiday hiatus. Will’s gone off to God’s country to chase his lifelong dream of geode farming and I wish him nothing but the best in his endeavors. I hope that he manages to find the elusive Tiberian Double Large Keokuk Geode Pair. It’s always been his dream.

I, on the other hand, have something of my own lined up. I can’t say because of contractual agreements to my warden but I will try to keep our faithful followers posted as future chapters of my life are written.

In the meantime, I’d like you to check out some funny entitled TOILET HUMOR from a crony of ours, Chris McInroy. He’s a very comical filmmaker based in Austin, TX and if you don’t watch it you’re a chauvinist pig. His latest short film CAPTURE CLAUS just got picked up by iTunes so scurry on over there and check it out. More of his work can be seen at www.needfundsfilms.com.

I hope you enjoy it and have yourself a merry little Christmas!

“Sometimes a man just needs to be alone with his thoughts.”
- “Buckin” Buck Jangle 1887

Because of commitments to other jobs, I regretfully inform that there will be no new Beef & Sage video this week. Don’t get me wrong, we love making videos for you folks, but unfortunately our online advertising deal with Reebok fell through, and we’re struggling to make ends meet.

Thanks to some sound financial advice, I’ve decided to change my career path and have invested in the only commodity that has continued to gain value in these times of economic peril: geode rocks.

I’ve made a life for myself looking for Geodes on a ranch in Midland, Texas. Strohm Phlurm, the owner of the ranch is a good-hearted and reasonable man. The fee he charges me to harvest geodes on his land is fair, and while I don’t want to bore you with numbers, I’ll just say I’ll have him payed back in full after my second big geode strike. Then it’s all profit.

As for Kirk, I’m not sure what he’s up to these days, but I wish him the best.

I no longer have a phone, but if you’d like to contact me, leave a comment on the message board of www.geodegallery.com. I check it periodically when I can visit the Kinko’s in Odessa.

Will