Behold the climactic conclusion to Bulletstorm 4. After watching the first episode, Jason Statham came on to do some pro-bono wire fu training for us so pay attention. Our moves might just hearken you back to your virgin viewing of his masterpiece, Crank.
And check out Fishrockit.com in the coming days to see the extended, uncut, unrated, too hardcore for the internet, Special Edition of the film.
BS4E2 features tasty melodies performed by THE Taylor Vieger.
I regret to inform you that Will has not yet returned from his geode exploration in Midland, TX. We’ve had very little correspondence since he ventured west but it seems like things are going well for him. I received a package yesterday with no return address and inside it was $30,000 in small bills and an authentic Apache dreamcatcher. I can only assume it was from him and that he’s struck it big out there.
So in the absence of will.i.am, we’ve got another video by a friend of ours, Travis Henning. Travis was just recently named by Jambalaya Quarterly as one of the top filmmakers to watch of 2009. His film, THE NIGHT THE COOKIE CRUMBLED played in the Austin Film Festival this year and it’s very funny. Very similar to Pixar’s early stuff.
Also, if you have some free time, hop over to this website. I HATE YOU DAD is in competition to win some prize money so vote 5 stars! Thank you.
By now, you may have seen the post about no new Beef & Sage vidja this week. We have decided to take a short holiday hiatus. Will’s gone off to God’s country to chase his lifelong dream of geode farming and I wish him nothing but the best in his endeavors. I hope that he manages to find the elusive Tiberian Double Large Keokuk Geode Pair. It’s always been his dream.
I, on the other hand, have something of my own lined up. I can’t say because of contractual agreements to my warden but I will try to keep our faithful followers posted as future chapters of my life are written.
In the meantime, I’d like you to check out some funny entitled TOILET HUMOR from a crony of ours, Chris McInroy. He’s a very comical filmmaker based in Austin, TX and if you don’t watch it you’re a chauvinist pig. His latest short film CAPTURE CLAUS just got picked up by iTunes so scurry on over there and check it out. More of his work can be seen at www.needfundsfilms.com.
I hope you enjoy it and have yourself a merry little Christmas!
“Sometimes a man just needs to be alone with his thoughts.”
- “Buckin” Buck Jangle 1887
Because of commitments to other jobs, I regretfully inform that there will be no new Beef & Sage video this week. Don’t get me wrong, we love making videos for you folks, but unfortunately our online advertising deal with Reebok fell through, and we’re struggling to make ends meet.
Thanks to some sound financial advice, I’ve decided to change my career path and have invested in the only commodity that has continued to gain value in these times of economic peril: geode rocks.
I’ve made a life for myself looking for Geodes on a ranch in Midland, Texas. Strohm Phlurm, the owner of the ranch is a good-hearted and reasonable man. The fee he charges me to harvest geodes on his land is fair, and while I don’t want to bore you with numbers, I’ll just say I’ll have him payed back in full after my second big geode strike. Then it’s all profit.
As for Kirk, I’m not sure what he’s up to these days, but I wish him the best.
I no longer have a phone, but if you’d like to contact me, leave a comment on the message board of www.geodegallery.com. I check it periodically when I can visit the Kinko’s in Odessa.
Austin, TX
With the current state of the economy, a never-ending war being waged abroad, and the election of a new president, Americans have quite a bit to be worried about. But according to a new study conducted by the Johns Hopkins Institute of Research, all of these causes of woe “are totally poon” compared to the newest threat to our existence: Pinkeye. And the cause of this horrific affliction may shock you.
Pinkeye, also known as Trebon’s Syndrome, has baffled the medical world since its inception. Symptoms include redness of the eye, swelling, itching, and hyperflangea, a process in which the eye actually produces sour bread dough. And it is because of this bread dough, or “eyebatter,” that scientists have been able to trace the origin and cause of pinkeye.
“Upon examining the eyebatter under sophisticated electron microscopes, we were shocked to find traces of worms, sticks and feathers,” said Dr. P. Phrank Phelps of Johns Hopkins. “The components are the exact same as those found in pigeon stool. You know, poo-poo.”
It is believed that the pinkeye virus was brought to America by infected pigeons stowed away on trade ships. However, it remained dormant for hundreds of years until one of the diseased birds poo-poo’d directly into someone’s eyeball. The first reported case was from a prospector named Thaddeus Green in pioneer times.
The medical community has also turned its attention to pigeon pee-pee, stating that it might also be to blame for the recent outbreak of pinkeye.
The FDA has since released an official report stating that “It’s important to steer clear of pigeon excrement altogether. Both poo-poo and pee-pee.”
AKRON, Ohio (CNN) – Internet phenom, lemonparty.org announced Tuesday that it will go against Obamaniacs and give a full endorsement to Presidential candidate John McCain. “He has style, substance, and a great smile. I think he is a transformational figure,” lemonparty.org said on NBC’s Meet the Press.
Lemonparty.org noted that Obama’s looks and suave demeanor was initially a deterrent to the party “backing” John McCain. But after a long master debate and much “putting of heads together”, lemonparty.org has decided that McCain’s viewpoints are more in line with what their website and fanbase stand for.
In response to the question of Sarah Palin and the nature of her gender, lemonparty.org was quoted as saying, “We have a large male viewership as it were, but with the endorsement of the two-ball McCain/Palin combo, we look to increase the amount of females that visit lemonparty.org. Which is why we will be adding additional content that includes a little lemon for the ladies!”
John McCain himself was not available for comment, but a source directly below him said, “We’ll take support wherever we can get it. Time’s are getting really, REALLY hard.”
I have some truly amazing news. An incredifilm titled RICHARD COCKSMITH AND THE ABOVE GROUND POOL will be playing tonight at the alamo drafthouse ritz at 7:30. It stars Matt Connely and Erica May and is sure to please. This is just a taste of what you will see if you attend.
pool time fun
In addition to giving you a hearty smile, for every person who comes tonight I will donate $1 to the United Negro College Fund. Now which of you heartless souls will turn that down?
Also, be on the lookout for the new film ROOMMATE WARS which will go up on the site this Thursday.
Double also, be sure to keep your ears open during COCKSMITH for the incredible location sound recording by beef & sage’s very own, Will Elliott.
